Never before in all our history have these forces been so united against one candidate as they stand today. They are unanimous in their hate for me and I welcome their hatred.-FDR

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Pat Robertson and the Oil Spill

Talibangelist, errr, I mean televangelist Pat Robertson made some new controversial remarks on his show about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. In a statement, Robertson said, "I got another message from God today. He told me that this spill is the result of American slaves wanting freedom in the 19th Century. You see, they made a pact with the devil and now 150 years later, God turned the Gulf black to symbolize their black skin color."

This comment outraged many black Americans who have picketed the 700 Club. In response, Pat Robertson sent some aide to help starving Africans in need...who are mining in Pat's diamond mines.

In a follow up interview, Pat Robertson backed away from his comments about the spill being God's revenge for the slaves being freed. Instead he blamed homosexuals for the spill. Fellow Christian zealot Bryan Fischer agrees and also blames whales for the spill.

"We should have executed the whale who killed the trainer at SeaWorld this year because he escaped and sabotaged the oil platform that led to 11 deaths and the spill. What about the term 'killer whale' do SeaWorld officials not understand?"*

We asked Pat Robertson how he would stop the oil and he gave us an interesting reply.

"Stop? The oil gushing out of the pipe is an act of God and the magical oil is impregnating the Gulf. To put a cap over the pipe would be like putting a condom on it, it's evil and wrong."

At that moment, Kanye West barged in and tried to claim that Robertson's response was crazier than Fischer's. When we told him there wasn't a contest, Kanye told us Pat doesn't care about black people, talked like a robot, and left.

We finished the interview by asking him about the oil clean up. "I'm against cleaning it up, that would be an abortion and God doesn't like those. What will happen is that the oil will spread throughout the whole Gulf until it's large enough to be born and the Gulf will give birth and the oil will flow into the Carribean. The spill will then flow to Venezuela, get a rifle, and assassinate Hugo Chavez."

When asked how he knows this, he said, "God told me."

Next week, we will talk to Fred Phelps about the spill and his new website called "God Hates Pelicans."

*Last sentence is an actual quote.

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