"Satireday" Post: Truth About Green Bay Quarterback Aaron Rodgers

It all started in 1935, a family of space aliens from the planet of Olifrofrawrendoslapagerbilzozobot came to Mississippi and one of the pregnant aliens gave birth to a two-headed baby. One head was named Elvis, the other Aaron. Elvis at the age of 12 decided to cut off the other head and pursue a life as an actor and musician. He kept Aaron as his middle name and when people asked about his twin brother, Elvis claimed it was a stillbirth.

Elvis’s mom decided to send the preserved head of Aaron back to Olifrofrawrendoslapagerbilzozobot to live his life, but his spacecraft landed in New Mexico and was taken to a new base in Nevada to be studied. The base was called Aaron 51. A secret anti-government organization got word of the project and set out to stop it. They even thought JFK was the head and assassinated him in 1963; they noted the head was young and handsome and JFK was a suspect.

With nowhere to go, the government found a place nobody would ever suspect to look in 1968: Mr. Roger Neighborhood. The head hid out in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe under the castle. The anti-government group eventually dissolved into opposing other things like taxes and business regulation and stopped looking for the head. In 1979, the head was moved to a nuclear power plant in Pennsylvania when a freak accident happened and place was shut down. The head was the only one to survive, but it was very weak.

Fred Roger was kidnapped by scientists and they secretly added the head to his body and concealed it in his sweater. They changed Aaron’s last name to Roger also and later Fred changed his name to Rogers to denote plural heads. In 2003 when Fred Rogers died, Aaron was severed again and scientists needed to attach it again. This time, they would find a permanent host. They murdered a college football player from the University of California with a similarly sounding name and put Aaron’s head in place of it. Aaron Rodgers now plays quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. Now you know the terrible secret that will destroy this country if too many people know about it.